(no subject)

No one reads this (I imagine) so it's as good an outlet as any, and if you do you might be able to help. Or not. Whatever.
Anyways, new month (kinda), new resolutions (only 3 months too late...)

So last year was pretty crap. It was also pretty awesome, but the awesome was short lived and paved they way for all the crap that unfortunately is still happening,
I just feel so rubbish.

At the start of 2014 I was pretty happpy. I had awesome friends, I had a job and a plan and I knew myself. I knew who I was, what I liked and what I wanted from life.
15 months later and I know nothing. I don't know who I am, I don't feel like I like anything, I have friends but I have no idea why and I don't feel like I can live up to their expectations.

Last year, for a bout 10 months, I had a boyfriend and for some reason that made me feel worse about myself. I think because he never opened up to me and I always felt a bit hidden I felt like I had to hide what I thought and what I wanted too. He never told me why he liked me or why he wanted me in the first place (until after we broke up) and I think I spent a lot of last year maybe trying to be what I thought he wanted.
Around this time I also seemed to convince myself that I was being left out. I've never had a lot of self confidence, and it's not that I don't think I'm a good person. I think I'm great. I just don't expect other people to think that about me. I never have and I've always managed to quash those insecurities but not anymore. They're on the surface and they're only getting worse.
80% of the time I have no idea what I can offer anyone that they can't get anywhere else and I can physically see how much I've changed in the past year. I can't seem to change back though.
I don't laugh like I did. Nothing seems to grab me like it used to. I can see all thses people doing things that I feel I should be doing too but I just don't want to.
The internet doesn't help. I don't want to spend my life talking about people I never have or never will meet. I don't want to spend all my time on facebook chat. I want to go and do things and meet new people, if only to challenge the notion I have about myself that I am annoying and childish. Surely not everyone out there can think that?
I feel constantly lonely, even though I know I have people I can contact instantly. I've always felt like that but maybe 10 years is the longest you can quell something before it overtakes you.
I've always assumed that I didn't care what others thought but that's not true at all. I care too much and I spend my life mindreading so that I don't make any mistakes which, ironically, means I make more mistakes than ever.
I'm also now training to do a job I don;t actually feel I'll be any good at. Even though I got a good grade in the first term, and even though I have a job for Septmeber! I still don't feel like I will succeed.

It's awful because I want to withdraw and to not think about everything but surely that will only make things worse? To pull away from being sociable will only increase this sense of loneliness and not belonging. I can see it affecting my life daily and I do think it's entorely my own neuroses but I have no idea how to get out!

So maybe, instead of dwelling on the pessimisms I should try something good.
So here goes....
I ........